Remembering My Father on His Birthday

I thought a lot about my father, Edward J. Joel,  yesterday. He would have been 92 years old. The last time I saw him was on my wedding day, 30 years ago. He died the following year at 62.  He seemed so old to me at that time, and I've had people who've looked at my wedding pictures ask if he was my grandfather.  I suppose it was the cigarettes (3 packs of Chesterfields per day), drinking and the stress of his job at the Sheriff's Department in Newark that contributed to his premature aging and death.

Dad on the Vibes with the Joe Gaines Orchestra

I wonder what he would be like now. Would he have kept his sense of humor and his love of big band music and the standards that he and my mother danced to when they were young? He loved babies. Would he have been disappointed that none of us had children? Would he and my mother really have moved to Florida? He had planned to retire soon. They had even bought a piece of land somewhere there, although I think he would have preferred Arizona. He wanted to be warm. He wanted to get away from New Jersey winters.  I wonder if, having moved there, they would have been like the retired people we met on our cross-country bike trip. They moved for the sun and lack of snow as well, but ended up regretting it and spending their summers in RVs at the KOAs and Good Sam's parks near their former homes.

Both of my brothers are now older than my father was when he died. They were  relieved when they passed that milestone, although most of the other men in the family lived to be a good deal older. They are more than 10 years older than I am. I think of this from time to time and wonder what he was like then, before I was around.

Did he still play the drums or the clarinet? While we had a set of drums, and I have a picture of myself playing with them, I don't recall ever hearing him play them.

 I never heard him play the clarinet either. I can remember putting it together and trying to play it when I was a child, but  I could never draw a sound from it no matter how hard I tried.  I do remember him playing the vibes.  When I was in the 7th or 8th grade, he kept them up in my brothers' old room. At the time I was learning to play the violin and we used them to help tune the violin strings.

My musicality, sense of rhythm and love of dancing were gifts from him. Although he has been gone a very long time, I still miss him. It would have been nice to have him around a little longer.

                         

                       

Some Thoughts on Mother's Day

Today is Mother’s Day, but my mother, Julie, has been gone for 2 years now and my mother-in-law, Jennie, has been gone since 2004.  It is touching to see all the Facebook posts of people with their Mothers today, but it is also a little sad.  We are reminded that we don’t have the opportunity to tell our moms how much we love them and appreciate them. We are fortunate that we were close to our moms and have lots of good memories, but memories can never replace a kiss, a hug or your mother's voice on the other side of the phone.

Me with my mother Julie 

Mom with my brothers Jerry & Terry

                 

My Mother-in-law Jennie with James, George and Sheri

                                                                        

From a distance, however, we are appalled at the marketing frenzy that began last month and implies that you can only show your mother how much you love her by finding that perfect gift that will symbolize 1. What a good child you still are, 2. How wonderful she is, 3. That this gift somehow pays her back for the sacrifices she had to make to raise you to adulthood. We’ve actually corrupted all of our holidays and morphed them into little more than shopping opportunities.  We have allowed ourselves to be transformed from citizens to consumers. How sad is it that today, many mothers had to work at low paying jobs in retail and food service so others can go through the proscribed motions of buying the card and flowers, going to brunch and doing some shopping?  When do those mothers get their day?  What if everything was closed today so people could actually spend time doing things together – cooking, going to the beach, going for a picnic, bicycling, going for a walk, playing a game or doing a jigsaw puzzle? How many mothers would just love to have a whole day just to be with their loved ones?

If we really want to support mothers, why don’t we as a society do things that would actually help mothers in every stage of their lives?  Some things that come to my mind immediately include making sure that all women and families:

• have access to prenatal care
• have  family friendly maternity and sick leave policies at their jobs
• have access to affordable healthcare
• have access to affordable daycare
• earn a living wage
• have access to locally grown food
• have access to reliable, frequent public transportation
• have access to affordable housing that is close to transportation, services and groceries
• have access to affordable elder care and senior services

    

When we decide that providing these benefits to all of our citizens is more important than getting a great deal on flowers, perfume, jewelry, candy or some other trinket that our moms don’t really want or need, and when we decide that these issues are more important than corporate welfare and empire building, we will have evolved to the point where we can truly call ourselves a great country.